So for anyone who would like to know......

I didn't lie about continuing to post, they just go to a new place now. So for those interested check out The Sublime Motion.

I felt it was time for a little change and thus a new blog was born.

I'm Back!! I think.

So it's been over a year since I've written anything on here and alot has changed.

And firstly for anyone who ever read this, a new name. We are now "The Sublime Motion."

Next i'm no longer trying to reconcile my religious beliefs and my sexuality. I have found that after my deprogramming I no longer need to try and I am a happier person for it. On that same note though there is nothing to regret or feel sorry for. It would seem that a person's path isn't always clear and that maybe we just need to go with it when we feel a little lost. It will work out for the better because we are not ment to suffer and be miserable. Anyways peace out bloggies, I'll be back later.

Hate........Haste*

Maybe I was hasty in my decision before. Although I'm still not sure this is actually helping.

I hate my life right now. I'm angry all the time. And even though I keep telling people I don't know why I'm sure it has to do with Ben.

I don't know how to stop either but if anything has such a detrimental effect on the soul as hate and anger I don't know what it could be. It's beginning to seep into all my thoughts and actions. I'm hostile towards my friends and rude to people i don't know. I just don't seem to care anymore. My thoughts of late have been "what does it matter what others think, they'll only hurt you in the end."

I know these thoughts should seem bleak, but they've become the norm. I wish I knew how to heal what i feel. I don't though.

3 a.m.

I don't really think this blogging crap is helping.

I think I'm done.

With all of it.

Not a murakami but better....

So I went out to LA this past weekend. And I hurt someone besides myself in the process. I didn't mean to. I didn't want to either. And now I'm not sure we'll really talk anymore.

But I couldn't lie to myself either. I'm still so hung up on Ben that I was thinking about him the whole weekend anyways.

So now what..........

I hate not being able to control my feelings. You'd think that by a certain point in your life you'd be able to do that. Just understand why you feel a certain way and then stop it. I like it when I'm devoid of feelings for those around me. That's really the only time my mind is at rest. Why do we need to care anyways. Someone always just ends up hurt.

1973

So I still don't know what i'm doing. I know it's been awhile since i logged on here though.

I know that I'm falling away. I keep going to church, sporadically at least. And I go to FHE. Sometimes I pray, at least if it's praying even when it's only in my head.

My biggest problem is I've fallen for a guy, hard. I can't get over him. And the problem is he knows it. He says he's just playing me. Cause he could never really be with another guy. I really think he's just playing himself. Of course he's a member too, so he wants to get married and have kids. He'll be miserable and ruin some girls life. At least that's what we've talked about a little, but it's what he wants. I mean he even said that he wouldn't be able to love any girl the way that she deserves to be loved.

Why is it that the church has to be so absolute that it forces us to make decisions which would seemingly hurt others or ourselves. The worst part is while I do have a certain ammount of self interest in what he's doing I'm friends with the girl he's dating, or trying to date. She's liked him for a really long time and I can't justify him ruining her life so he can prtend to be normal. I'm probably just bitter really. But what am I supposed to do? He keeps leading me on and even though I know that that is what's going on I can't help feeling the way I do. He keeps me dangling by a thread, just waiting to see what happens. That's pretty much me right now. just waiting to see what he does.

Oh well.....

side note: (before i forget)

Nice to have met you AtP. Wish we'd got to talk more.