Hate........Haste*

Maybe I was hasty in my decision before. Although I'm still not sure this is actually helping.

I hate my life right now. I'm angry all the time. And even though I keep telling people I don't know why I'm sure it has to do with Ben.

I don't know how to stop either but if anything has such a detrimental effect on the soul as hate and anger I don't know what it could be. It's beginning to seep into all my thoughts and actions. I'm hostile towards my friends and rude to people i don't know. I just don't seem to care anymore. My thoughts of late have been "what does it matter what others think, they'll only hurt you in the end."

I know these thoughts should seem bleak, but they've become the norm. I wish I knew how to heal what i feel. I don't though.

3 a.m.

I don't really think this blogging crap is helping.

I think I'm done.

With all of it.

Not a murakami but better....

So I went out to LA this past weekend. And I hurt someone besides myself in the process. I didn't mean to. I didn't want to either. And now I'm not sure we'll really talk anymore.

But I couldn't lie to myself either. I'm still so hung up on Ben that I was thinking about him the whole weekend anyways.

So now what..........

I hate not being able to control my feelings. You'd think that by a certain point in your life you'd be able to do that. Just understand why you feel a certain way and then stop it. I like it when I'm devoid of feelings for those around me. That's really the only time my mind is at rest. Why do we need to care anyways. Someone always just ends up hurt.

1973

So I still don't know what i'm doing. I know it's been awhile since i logged on here though.

I know that I'm falling away. I keep going to church, sporadically at least. And I go to FHE. Sometimes I pray, at least if it's praying even when it's only in my head.

My biggest problem is I've fallen for a guy, hard. I can't get over him. And the problem is he knows it. He says he's just playing me. Cause he could never really be with another guy. I really think he's just playing himself. Of course he's a member too, so he wants to get married and have kids. He'll be miserable and ruin some girls life. At least that's what we've talked about a little, but it's what he wants. I mean he even said that he wouldn't be able to love any girl the way that she deserves to be loved.

Why is it that the church has to be so absolute that it forces us to make decisions which would seemingly hurt others or ourselves. The worst part is while I do have a certain ammount of self interest in what he's doing I'm friends with the girl he's dating, or trying to date. She's liked him for a really long time and I can't justify him ruining her life so he can prtend to be normal. I'm probably just bitter really. But what am I supposed to do? He keeps leading me on and even though I know that that is what's going on I can't help feeling the way I do. He keeps me dangling by a thread, just waiting to see what happens. That's pretty much me right now. just waiting to see what he does.

Oh well.....

side note: (before i forget)

Nice to have met you AtP. Wish we'd got to talk more.

And What Now.......

And what now......

I missed the conference this weekend. I really wanted to go too. I think. I know people who went although I don't know anyone else there. My friend said it was good. I guess I have to take his word for it.

It's kinda gloomy out. It's drizzling and cold. I did put up halloween decorations today. Now they're just making me depressed though.

I want a relationship. But...
I still don't know that I could make myself try one with a girl.
I had problems with guys when I was attracted to them. How would I make it work with a girl?

Why is everything I feel in such conflict with the church?
Oh well I'm done I guess.

A destructive dog

I'm finally back online. Not that I'll post much more frequently. I just don't feel the ambition to do it lately.

I haven't in much of anything really.

I stopped meeting with our missionaries here quite awhile ago. At first I was telling myself that I had to much to work on with myself to be worrying about whether or not i was fellowshipping anyone else. But really I can't stand them. Is that really as bad as it sounds? And really it's only one of them. I feel that he's to over zealous and long winded to boot. He can't ever do a fifteen minute member lesson. They always run sooo long. I wish he'd transfer already. I miss the others. I don't know if they were better, but i thought of them as friends.

Anyways where this is supposed to be heading I think is that I'm that destructive dog. There seems to be a part of me that wants to try. But my other side is like a puppy getting into trouble when the masters not around. I constantly fight myself for control cause I just don't listen. I don't see how I can progress, not only in the church but in life, if I can't control a willful puppy. A lost hungry puppy. The ones that look at you with sad eyes, cause someone broke something in them a long time ago.

Now was that melodramatic or what? Eh, I'll post it anyways. if anyone asks, I was just being stupid and got carried away.

In the Middle of Dancing

I'm still around i just don't have internet right now. I'll be back soon.

Home

Should this feel like home? Shouldn't I feel a warm peaceful calm wash over me? Why is it that I can't feel it at all?

Why does it feel like the spirit has left me?

Even in prayer and scripture study and during all the other times that I strive to be faithful and feel heavenly father's love I can't. I really wish that I could.

So Long, So Long

Can a person fail at life? Is there a point where you've just let so many people down, and you're so unhappy in your own life that it just becomes obvious that you've failed.

I keep letting myself get into situations that I don't want to be in. And this happened quite recently. I was with this guy I know. And I knew if I stayed around I would slip up. And yet I went there in the first place. To say the least I backslid a bit. But as soon as I left I regreted having gone in the first place, and it's been eating at me. My friend told me I just need to talk to my bishop. But I can't bring myself to do it. I actually met with him that day, but it was too fresh in my mind and I was embarassed. And now the longer I wait the harder it gets.

I just feel like I've let a lot of people down.

It was kind of funny, at least in my mind, that one of the speakers in sacrament this weekend said something along the lines of "trying to stay on the path without asking for help is the way to dig yourself to hell." Not exact I admit but very close. I guess that's part of my problem though. "Give your burdens to the Lord," is something I've heard numerous times, but I don't ask for help. It seems weak. And maybe it's the other way. That a man who can't admit when he needs help is the weaker, but i've never really asked for help. I would starve, and suffer, and fail before asking for help because i should be able to do it on my own. Shouldn't I?

Nocturne

Well it's Sunday morning, and I'm not even sure I should be blogging right now but oh well. Not only that but I don't think the title is really appropriate either but it's closer to how I feel than anything.

Friday night didn't turn out too bad. The ward campout was fun but I still got the feeling that half the time I didn't belong. I was just glad that I took my dog with me so I had someone to cuddle with.

Why does it have to be so hard?

And it doesn't really help that while I'm trying to do this I'm only half committed it seems. I can't seem to stop thinking if I could get into a serious relationship with a guy that I'd be happy. But now I can't even fully commit to that idea either. It's almost funny because when I go to sacrament everyone's always mentioning their testimony. And as short a time as it's been since my baptism I feel that I couldn't just leave the church. It seems I'm just supposed to learn to live in a constant state of dissatisfaction. Ever felt that way? That just no matter what, you're supposed to be unhappy. I do, alot lately. Well I should get ready for church. I haven't been in a couple weeks so as much as I want to stay home I shouldn't.

Superhero

Have you ever listened to Ani. My friend Erica turned me on to her. She's not really the type of person that I should associate with anymore. But how do you just cut people out of your life. I know what it's like to be on the other side of the cut and it's not fun.

Not only that but I don't want to. I'm having a hard time remaining faithful to the covenants I've made to heavenly father. And maybe it has to do with the people I refuse to sever ties with, but what if it isn't. Then it seems to me that I'm getting rid of the people who give me strength when i don't feel worthy of speaking with my father in heaven. And this is a lot more frequently as of late.

I hate being around my friends in the church because none of them actually know me and I feel like a fake. How bad does that make me. Not only that but there's always the feelings of jealousy, because of what some of them have when I can't. I always look at these relationships and think how that's what I want, and then realize that it's because I want to be with him not her. I want him to hold me in his arms. That's when I have to stop because I shouldn't want that, right?

My bishop says that I should try to immerse myself in the church. And I did for awhile, but now Charlie is getting married in a month, Tom is moving, Brooke is heading to BYU Idaho, & Troy already left for Provo. So my friends are just leaving and then when I get sick of seeing the rest of them how do I stay "immersed"?

The worst part about this whole thing quite honestly is today started out as such a great day. And now I'm just depressed without any real reason to be. Well the student ward is going camping tonight so I guess I'll tag along and see how that goes. I know this is kinda scatter-brained so I think I should stop for awhile.

Just For Starters

I guess I should start with some sort of introduction, but I'm not really that good at doing these things. That being said I guess I'll just take off.

I'm not sure why I even decided to start a blog but I think that maybe it's more for the benefit of my own sanity than anything else. So we'll see if it helps.

I'm a recent convert to the LDS church. I also have, or suffer from or what ever you would like to call it, SSA. For those of you who don't know what that is, it stands for Same Sex Attraction. And if you're still around after having read that I'd like to add it's something I struggle with every day. Because to be a part of the church and not hate myself or feel like a complete hypocrite I have to fight myself and what my mind is usually telling me.

So now that i've got that out in the open I guess the rest will just be keeping up with this. And if anyone ever actually reads this I wish you the best of luck, cause, at least for me, it's not easy to see others suffer.