Home

Should this feel like home? Shouldn't I feel a warm peaceful calm wash over me? Why is it that I can't feel it at all?

Why does it feel like the spirit has left me?

Even in prayer and scripture study and during all the other times that I strive to be faithful and feel heavenly father's love I can't. I really wish that I could.

So Long, So Long

Can a person fail at life? Is there a point where you've just let so many people down, and you're so unhappy in your own life that it just becomes obvious that you've failed.

I keep letting myself get into situations that I don't want to be in. And this happened quite recently. I was with this guy I know. And I knew if I stayed around I would slip up. And yet I went there in the first place. To say the least I backslid a bit. But as soon as I left I regreted having gone in the first place, and it's been eating at me. My friend told me I just need to talk to my bishop. But I can't bring myself to do it. I actually met with him that day, but it was too fresh in my mind and I was embarassed. And now the longer I wait the harder it gets.

I just feel like I've let a lot of people down.

It was kind of funny, at least in my mind, that one of the speakers in sacrament this weekend said something along the lines of "trying to stay on the path without asking for help is the way to dig yourself to hell." Not exact I admit but very close. I guess that's part of my problem though. "Give your burdens to the Lord," is something I've heard numerous times, but I don't ask for help. It seems weak. And maybe it's the other way. That a man who can't admit when he needs help is the weaker, but i've never really asked for help. I would starve, and suffer, and fail before asking for help because i should be able to do it on my own. Shouldn't I?

Nocturne

Well it's Sunday morning, and I'm not even sure I should be blogging right now but oh well. Not only that but I don't think the title is really appropriate either but it's closer to how I feel than anything.

Friday night didn't turn out too bad. The ward campout was fun but I still got the feeling that half the time I didn't belong. I was just glad that I took my dog with me so I had someone to cuddle with.

Why does it have to be so hard?

And it doesn't really help that while I'm trying to do this I'm only half committed it seems. I can't seem to stop thinking if I could get into a serious relationship with a guy that I'd be happy. But now I can't even fully commit to that idea either. It's almost funny because when I go to sacrament everyone's always mentioning their testimony. And as short a time as it's been since my baptism I feel that I couldn't just leave the church. It seems I'm just supposed to learn to live in a constant state of dissatisfaction. Ever felt that way? That just no matter what, you're supposed to be unhappy. I do, alot lately. Well I should get ready for church. I haven't been in a couple weeks so as much as I want to stay home I shouldn't.

Superhero

Have you ever listened to Ani. My friend Erica turned me on to her. She's not really the type of person that I should associate with anymore. But how do you just cut people out of your life. I know what it's like to be on the other side of the cut and it's not fun.

Not only that but I don't want to. I'm having a hard time remaining faithful to the covenants I've made to heavenly father. And maybe it has to do with the people I refuse to sever ties with, but what if it isn't. Then it seems to me that I'm getting rid of the people who give me strength when i don't feel worthy of speaking with my father in heaven. And this is a lot more frequently as of late.

I hate being around my friends in the church because none of them actually know me and I feel like a fake. How bad does that make me. Not only that but there's always the feelings of jealousy, because of what some of them have when I can't. I always look at these relationships and think how that's what I want, and then realize that it's because I want to be with him not her. I want him to hold me in his arms. That's when I have to stop because I shouldn't want that, right?

My bishop says that I should try to immerse myself in the church. And I did for awhile, but now Charlie is getting married in a month, Tom is moving, Brooke is heading to BYU Idaho, & Troy already left for Provo. So my friends are just leaving and then when I get sick of seeing the rest of them how do I stay "immersed"?

The worst part about this whole thing quite honestly is today started out as such a great day. And now I'm just depressed without any real reason to be. Well the student ward is going camping tonight so I guess I'll tag along and see how that goes. I know this is kinda scatter-brained so I think I should stop for awhile.

Just For Starters

I guess I should start with some sort of introduction, but I'm not really that good at doing these things. That being said I guess I'll just take off.

I'm not sure why I even decided to start a blog but I think that maybe it's more for the benefit of my own sanity than anything else. So we'll see if it helps.

I'm a recent convert to the LDS church. I also have, or suffer from or what ever you would like to call it, SSA. For those of you who don't know what that is, it stands for Same Sex Attraction. And if you're still around after having read that I'd like to add it's something I struggle with every day. Because to be a part of the church and not hate myself or feel like a complete hypocrite I have to fight myself and what my mind is usually telling me.

So now that i've got that out in the open I guess the rest will just be keeping up with this. And if anyone ever actually reads this I wish you the best of luck, cause, at least for me, it's not easy to see others suffer.