Have you ever listened to Ani. My friend Erica turned me on to her. She's not really the type of person that I should associate with anymore. But how do you just cut people out of your life. I know what it's like to be on the other side of the cut and it's not fun.
Not only that but I don't want to. I'm having a hard time remaining faithful to the covenants I've made to heavenly father. And maybe it has to do with the people I refuse to sever ties with, but what if it isn't. Then it seems to me that I'm getting rid of the people who give me strength when i don't feel worthy of speaking with my father in heaven. And this is a lot more frequently as of late.
I hate being around my friends in the church because none of them actually know me and I feel like a fake. How bad does that make me. Not only that but there's always the feelings of jealousy, because of what some of them have when I can't. I always look at these relationships and think how that's what I want, and then realize that it's because I want to be with him not her. I want him to hold me in his arms. That's when I have to stop because I shouldn't want that, right?
My bishop says that I should try to immerse myself in the church. And I did for awhile, but now Charlie is getting married in a month, Tom is moving, Brooke is heading to BYU Idaho, & Troy already left for Provo. So my friends are just leaving and then when I get sick of seeing the rest of them how do I stay "immersed"?
The worst part about this whole thing quite honestly is today started out as such a great day. And now I'm just depressed without any real reason to be. Well the student ward is going camping tonight so I guess I'll tag along and see how that goes. I know this is kinda scatter-brained so I think I should stop for awhile.
2 comments:
You mention Ani, I love her. Superhero is my favorite song by her. I usually turn it up really loud when i'm driving.
thanks for the comment, look forward to reading more.
You are not as unique as you think. We ALL have things about about us that we tried to hide from others. Most of us are trying to act like like the people we want to be, instead of the people we actually are. And the longer we act like it, the closer we get to it. You cannot achieve a goal if you give up. And even though no one is perfect, we still have to try.
Know that you are not alone, not even where you are at. Even your new friends have issues that they deal with that you don't about. But they are trying to do better - they even try to appear to be the better people they wish to be. It's okay.
Online, look at http://ldslights.org/ for others to deal with SSA, one way or another, and are psoitive and hopeful.
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